So I have finally taken some time to deal with some thoughts and feelings over things that happened this year relationship wise. I have been keeping it all locked away for many many reasons. I know that for the most part though it will all have to wait a few more months before I can truly be free to work through it as I need to. I have found that my little jottings for writing over the past week has helped (which I am getting around to posting them) and my long talk with Karen did as well. It also helps being reminded by someone you care about that you are a beautiful, strong, amazing women no matter what. Not the "well you should know it without having to be told" bullshit. Yeah it may hold some truth to it, but it never makes the same impact as out right being told it by someone special that they know it and aren't afraid to say it. I guess it just boosts self-worth.

Speaking of self-worth I am trying not to let some of mine go too my head to much right now. But hey I think I will save that for another entry.

Anyways....SOOOOOOOO excited about New Years Eve. I get to be a combination of stunning and elegant for a night. Even if it turns out that this guy is playing me like all the rest because like the others it works until they can find something better to stick their dick into (Sorry I know that was a bit much). But still this is something that I have been dying to do. And if nothing else the dress is amazing so I will chose to be excited.

So yeah thats all I'm going to say for now....maybe more tomorrow...Night all

So to continue of coming on here and talking mainly when I'm feeling at my lowest points. But I've been doing far to much thinking tonight. Not on Christmas or the great new years party I'm being taken to. But rather the unhealthy depression. I know I should be happy, everyone keeps telling me how I have the ideal situation going on right now. But right now all I can feel is how it's just more prof of being so completely unwanted. Which all things considering shouldn't be the logical thought to all of this....in fact I should feel more wanted more then ever. Hell it's not like I could handle any more then what I have right now, and since I am pretty sure I will be spending next year alone I should enjoy this while I still have it. I just hate knowing that more then likely I am nothing more then just this filler for not only one but two....until someone who is actually wanted is found. But I guess all this can be expected when you come to the realization that all affection is nothing more then a movement that can be reneged at any moment and love truly is nothing more then this word that has been perverted into some ugly lie. Which as you can tell this is all where my last writing piece has come from. Anyways I just needed to get those things out of me...I am about to head out to karaoke with my sister, mom, and Aaron and this is not the space where my head should be around them specially with alcohol. So Merry Christmas

I am sorry for earlier comment on nightlights journal and poem. There wasn't the need to make it so public and I have said the rest of what I needed to privately. I am sorry for the initial statements and continuing on after the responses. Past that I have said all that can and the rest of you will just have to deal. Have a good one and talk to you all soon.

just a new entry....thought now would be a great time to get back into writting in this more often again. I seem to be going through the stages of mourning that comes with any breakup, but I'm kinda weirded out by how quickly I am going through them. Crying over the loss, to the anger with the realization that it was nothing more then just words and they were seemingly lies. To the realization that while you may always love them your not in love with them and at that don't even really like them as a person. I'm finding myself taking great confort that I can now stand up for myself and say I'm too good for you and I desurve so much better then what you gave me. which anyone who knows me is a huge step. yeah it bothers me that it's like the past 5 months never even happened...just as it's going to hurt when he moves onto someone new and give all the things that he wasn't cappable of giving "anyone" while with me. But I feel such a strong energy of something beyound good is coming. I can feel the overwhelming excitement in the pit of my belly reminding me that the amazing things are so close....I can almost taste them and am starting to become impatient to find out what the greatness is. Yes my depression is still there and has controll most of the time....but god this is so good I can't help let it take over me. Anyways thats all I really had to say so have a good day all.

Not much to say really. Had the second relationship with someone I love end in the matter of 6 months....that's a new record even for me. Anyways nothing really that I can do besides cry be depressed and move on. I will start with trying to think happy thought's about the fact that I should own the car I have always wanted come tomorrow. Keep fingers crossed.